Panel confirms early morning speeders most likely to hate job

    The results are in and it appears that those drivers we see driving so reckless in the morning are people that hate their jobs. The conclusion came after a two year study by the People For A Safer Drive.

    The study took into account accidents, employment, distance one lives from work and maturity level or basic IQ. The drive time was only between 6 am and 8 am on weekdays.

    "Basically we found that these people hate their jobs and see it more as a prison. Thus they leave as late as possible to enjoy as much freedom as possible. It is the equivalent of a man convicted of DUI getting blackout drunk the night before he goes to jail.", said study coordinator Franz Ryster.

    Ryster continued by saying, "We also found distance one lives from work had a backwards time effect. Meaning that the farther one lived from his place of employment the later that same person would leave." This was apparently in hope of said driver either getting a speeding ticket or being in a wreck. This would give them a legitimate excuse to be late.

    The study included interviews with over one hundred drivers who had been ticketed or been constantly late to their job. The result was that eighty three percent were borderline retarded. "We do not like using that term, we prefer using the term Angry, Stupid and Slow witted or ASS for short.", said Ryster. "These ASSES, if you will are usually too stupid to either get another job or leave earlier.

Illegal immigration debate arises as hurricane season nears

    With hurricane season technically only weeks away, the Democrats and Republicans have once again started bashing each other.

    The two groups met today for a luncheon at Cracker Barrel to discuss climate change. Once talk turned to hurricanes all Hell broke loose, in particular 2015 hurricane Joaquin. The hurricane threatened the east coast last year which led Republicans to announce plans to put a wall up along the coastline.

   Representative Dell Troyer (R), Virginia, said that this is just one more route for illegals to enter the country. "We have to stop these people and hurricanes from coming in here illegally. We don't know his background or anything. We need a wall now!", said Troyer.

    But the Democrats were not going down without a fight. Representative Barbara Hilton, (D), Alabama, said that we should welcome these hurricanes with open arms. "They should have the same rights as American named hurricanes. We should welcome them, give them a license and allow them to vote."

    The group will meet again next Wednesday at the local KFC to discuss diversity in the workplace.

   

Chicago to let Gangs have say in Community

The Chicago Organization of Making Chicago a Better Chicago or COMCBC is tired of the rising crime rates. The fight seems to be going nowhere so the COMCBC is trying a different tactic by adopting the old saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

COMCBC Spokesman Nathan Caldwell said that their organization voted 8 to 1 to allow gangs to have a say in community projects. "We feel that by letting these people have a say in their neighborhoods it may lessen the tension on the streets. We will start with subtle changes, and proceed from there."

One Gang, The Shit Be Real Posse, has already signed up for the name your street project. Posse Spokesman One Eye Death Roll told us that "we don't know who the fuck these people be. Like Rosasita Lane. Who is Rosasita Lane? I never heard of dat bitch."

The street name project is just the beginning, if successful the COMCBC will push forward with other projects in the future.

The unveiling of the the street names will be this Saturday at noon. The ceremony will be at the former intersection of Rosasita Lane and Franklin Drive. The new intersection will now be Shit Mother Fucker Boulevard and I 'll Put A Bullet In Yo Ass Drive.

Clown car wreck kills 23

Suckleville, Georgia-A single car wreck in Suckleville has claimed 23 lives. Police reported that a small, unknown type of vehicle lost control while returning from a circus gig in North Carolina earlier in the day. Police said that alcohol did not seem to be a factor, but the investigation was ongoing because of the large amount of seltzer bottles found at the scene.

             The car was registered to a Thomas "Bobo" Richardson of nearby Faimland. Richardson was accustomed to driving his fellow clowns to their shows and had only been stopped by police once in his life. Local deputy Bill Thomas, no relation, said "I believe he may have been drinking, but he was so irritating with those damn scarves that I let him off with a warning."

             Bobo's wife Denise said that he had only been a clown for seven years. He had been a long distance truck driver previous to changing careers. "He really hated kids and figured he could get paid and scare the Hell out of them at the same time. He truly loved his job. I just know that Bobo, Tinkles, Slappo and the others are in Heaven right now annoying the angels. That really gives me peace.", said Mrs. Thomas.

            One funeral with a single casket is planned for Saturday at 2 pm in the Lady of Our Forbidden Sins Cemetery. Local Mortician Paul Daniels is tasked with stuffing all 23 bodies into a single casket as per the deceased request.