Amir Khan: "Canelo knocking me out proves that I can still be knocked out by the best."

    Amir Khan wants the best and he wants them now. "Bring on Pacquiao, Cotto, Mayweather and Garcia. But lets do it now because some of these guys might retire before I get a chance to feel their power."

    The ever confident Khan felt that his legs were too fresh and his guard too high for his loss to Alvarez last Saturday night. "I felt I could of got hit a little sooner if I had just dropped my hands a little earlier in the fight, but I will take that and learn from it."

    The punch was a thunderous right hand that landed as Khan dropped his left hand by his waist. "I had tried to drop the hand earlier but my timing was a little off. Once I got my timing under control I knew it would be just a matter of time before he caught me with a big punch."

    So where does Khan go from here, hopefully to another big payday. "I want to prove that I belong on the canvas against the best before I retire. Many experts say that Mayweather may not have enough power to hurt me, but I believe he does. So lets make it happen soon so I can still remember it."

White middle and lower income males added to endangered species list

    In a move that has been championed by the Obama administration, the United States White Male, specifically low to middle class, has been added to the endangered species list. The World Wildlife Fund said that as of this year the Whitigrious Malelopia or White Male, is ranked #100 on their list right behind the Mo Aardvark or Morbidly Obese Aardvark.

   Obama has set his sites on this since becoming President, saying "we believe that the white man has become a thing of the past, so it is up to us to protect the few we have left."

    The WWF based their ranking on the elimination of the White Male on television, specifically commercials. "It appears that the white male has been fazed out for gay or mixed couples", said Dick Itcherary.

    Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton was quick to add, "we ought to let them be safe and free in society, but only after we have castrated them." When asked if she had anyone in mind she was quick to reply "no comment."

    Black Lives Matter spokesman Nathanial "The Mule" Jenkins said that all lives should matter, as long as they are black or specifically non white.

   The Club Rallying Against Class Kickbacks Eliminating Radical Societies, or CRACKER, has said this day was a long time coming. CRACKER spokesman Whitey Whiteman said, "We have come a long way towards achieving equality and we hope this is the start of a society where we can start getting reparations."

Trump rumored to want Bill Clinton as Vice President

    As if this election year had not been wild enough, rumors have started flying that Donald Trump could pick Bill Clinton to be his running mate in November.

    The rumors started not long after Trump all but clinched the Republican nomination. Of course the big question is would Clinton accept? According to unconfirmed sources it could be a strong possibility. Either way Bill gets to the white House, either as Vice President or First Man.

    The reasoning is nothing but a win-win for Trump. If Clinton accepts he gets more dirt on Hillary and takes away some of her votes, if not, Trump has two targets to go after. Unconfirmed sources said that Bill thinks that the Fox News women are really hot. Meanwhile, the idea of being interviewed by the likes of Rachel Maddow turns his stomach. This could help make Clinton's decision a little easier.

    Bill is also said to be more and more turned off by that hideous jacket / skirt thing Hillary keeps wearing. Even her supporters are comparing it to something from the Kim Jong-un collection.

    Northrup, Curl and Fleet polls show that a Trump-Clinton ticket would win in a landslide. 87% of those surveyed said they just don't find Hillary attractive, while 78% said you know Bill would have some young, hot interns running around the White House. 97% said they have no problem voting for Trump, even with his disparaging comments about Ted Cruz's wife and other women. The people who were polled said that they were pretty sure Trump wouldn't have said that about good looking women.

     Either way, this election year will be one for the record books as Trump versus Clinton or Trump-Clinton versus Clinton will go head to head in November.

*Northrup, Curl and Fleet polls interviewed 1000 white men between the ages of 18 and 50 in local sports bars for their results.

Panel confirms early morning speeders most likely to hate job

    The results are in and it appears that those drivers we see driving so reckless in the morning are people that hate their jobs. The conclusion came after a two year study by the People For A Safer Drive.

    The study took into account accidents, employment, distance one lives from work and maturity level or basic IQ. The drive time was only between 6 am and 8 am on weekdays.

    "Basically we found that these people hate their jobs and see it more as a prison. Thus they leave as late as possible to enjoy as much freedom as possible. It is the equivalent of a man convicted of DUI getting blackout drunk the night before he goes to jail.", said study coordinator Franz Ryster.

    Ryster continued by saying, "We also found distance one lives from work had a backwards time effect. Meaning that the farther one lived from his place of employment the later that same person would leave." This was apparently in hope of said driver either getting a speeding ticket or being in a wreck. This would give them a legitimate excuse to be late.

    The study included interviews with over one hundred drivers who had been ticketed or been constantly late to their job. The result was that eighty three percent were borderline retarded. "We do not like using that term, we prefer using the term Angry, Stupid and Slow witted or ASS for short.", said Ryster. "These ASSES, if you will are usually too stupid to either get another job or leave earlier.

Illegal immigration debate arises as hurricane season nears

    With hurricane season technically only weeks away, the Democrats and Republicans have once again started bashing each other.

    The two groups met today for a luncheon at Cracker Barrel to discuss climate change. Once talk turned to hurricanes all Hell broke loose, in particular 2015 hurricane Joaquin. The hurricane threatened the east coast last year which led Republicans to announce plans to put a wall up along the coastline.

   Representative Dell Troyer (R), Virginia, said that this is just one more route for illegals to enter the country. "We have to stop these people and hurricanes from coming in here illegally. We don't know his background or anything. We need a wall now!", said Troyer.

    But the Democrats were not going down without a fight. Representative Barbara Hilton, (D), Alabama, said that we should welcome these hurricanes with open arms. "They should have the same rights as American named hurricanes. We should welcome them, give them a license and allow them to vote."

    The group will meet again next Wednesday at the local KFC to discuss diversity in the workplace.

   

Chicago to let Gangs have say in Community

The Chicago Organization of Making Chicago a Better Chicago or COMCBC is tired of the rising crime rates. The fight seems to be going nowhere so the COMCBC is trying a different tactic by adopting the old saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

COMCBC Spokesman Nathan Caldwell said that their organization voted 8 to 1 to allow gangs to have a say in community projects. "We feel that by letting these people have a say in their neighborhoods it may lessen the tension on the streets. We will start with subtle changes, and proceed from there."

One Gang, The Shit Be Real Posse, has already signed up for the name your street project. Posse Spokesman One Eye Death Roll told us that "we don't know who the fuck these people be. Like Rosasita Lane. Who is Rosasita Lane? I never heard of dat bitch."

The street name project is just the beginning, if successful the COMCBC will push forward with other projects in the future.

The unveiling of the the street names will be this Saturday at noon. The ceremony will be at the former intersection of Rosasita Lane and Franklin Drive. The new intersection will now be Shit Mother Fucker Boulevard and I 'll Put A Bullet In Yo Ass Drive.

Clown car wreck kills 23

Suckleville, Georgia-A single car wreck in Suckleville has claimed 23 lives. Police reported that a small, unknown type of vehicle lost control while returning from a circus gig in North Carolina earlier in the day. Police said that alcohol did not seem to be a factor, but the investigation was ongoing because of the large amount of seltzer bottles found at the scene.

             The car was registered to a Thomas "Bobo" Richardson of nearby Faimland. Richardson was accustomed to driving his fellow clowns to their shows and had only been stopped by police once in his life. Local deputy Bill Thomas, no relation, said "I believe he may have been drinking, but he was so irritating with those damn scarves that I let him off with a warning."

             Bobo's wife Denise said that he had only been a clown for seven years. He had been a long distance truck driver previous to changing careers. "He really hated kids and figured he could get paid and scare the Hell out of them at the same time. He truly loved his job. I just know that Bobo, Tinkles, Slappo and the others are in Heaven right now annoying the angels. That really gives me peace.", said Mrs. Thomas.

            One funeral with a single casket is planned for Saturday at 2 pm in the Lady of Our Forbidden Sins Cemetery. Local Mortician Paul Daniels is tasked with stuffing all 23 bodies into a single casket as per the deceased request.